Instructions for Withholding Under the New Tax Plan

Disclaimer — these are not actual instructions and I have no connection with the IRS

Photo by on Unsplash

Personal Allowances Worksheet

A. Enter “1” if you’re single unless you are signed up under more than one dating app. In that case, divide the number of actual dates you’ve been on in the last month by 100 and enter the number in Box A. Remember, “0” is for losers.

B. Enter “1” if you are married filing jointly, married filing separately, or planning to divorce but waiting for the refund check to clear.

Child Tax Credit

  1. If your total income will be higher than $200,000 ($400,000 Married Filing Jointly) enter “0” for losers.
  2. If your total income will be less than $175,551 subtract the number of unemployed children you have from the number of Facebook Friends you have that voted to cut spending on “social entitlement” programs like school lunches and children’s health insurance.
  3. If your total income is less than $69,801 realize you really can’t afford children and send them off to live with anyone who entered “0” in box 1 above.

Deductions, Adjustments, and Additional Income Worksheet

  1. Enter an estimate of your 2018 Itemized Deductions. Please note that moving expenses to Canada are not deductible.
  2. If your Adjusted Gross Income is above $200,000 ($400,000 Married Filing Jointly) subtract the amount Ben Carson paid for office furniture.
  3. Subtract Line 2 from Line 1.
  4. Subtract Line 3 from the number on your Personal Allowances Worksheet and enter the number on line 5 of Form W4. Remember, “0” is for losers.

Additional Amount You Want Withheld

Divide the National Debt by the number of years you have until you turn 65 and enter that number on Line 6 of Form W4.

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