The places we visit are never as perfect as they are in our memory. My grandmother’s house in Farmersville, Texas no longer exists. A remodeled version of the Dairy Queen I visited as a barefoot child sits beside the highway and still serves up chocolate dipped cones and cheeseburgers. You can see the Dairy Queen … Continue reading The Onion Capitol
Category: Humor
How Sweet It Is
Photo by the Author We didn’t need twenty-five pounds of sugar, but I felt a small thrill of satisfaction as I lifted the plastic bag onto my cart. The sensation could have been a stab of pain from hefting the heavy sack. “What will we do with that much sugar?” My husband, Andrew asked. “I’ll … Continue reading How Sweet It Is
Whistle Britches
Andrew and I were wandering through the clearance section in men’s clothing at Macy’s when we spotted them. A row of corduroy pants in vivid orange and royal blue. “No one wants the whistle britches,” Andrew commented. “Do you think they have my size?” I asked. I love a bargain. “Please, no.” Andrew does not … Continue reading Whistle Britches
Give me Rockets Like Flowers
I am not especially patriotic, but I love a good fireworks display. I’m not sure how I came to this attraction to all things bright and sparkly. It isn’t nostalgia. The only fireworks I remember in my childhood involved a car trip with my parents down a deserted country road. We stopped outside the city … Continue reading Give me Rockets Like Flowers
Don’t Fence Me In Wichita Falls
My fiance, Andrew, loves Wichita Falls. We drove up there this weekend and he pitched an earnest plea for us to buy his childhood home. Besides the lack of a down payment, I was not swayed by the quaint architecture or the quiet neighborhood. "They had Fox News playing in the hotel dining room," I … Continue reading Don’t Fence Me In Wichita Falls
Why is Facebook Trying to Sell Me Funeral Potatoes?
This showed up in my Facebook feed the other night. Of course I clicked on the link and checked them out on the Walmart website. The back of the package states "Potatoes to die for" but I hope they don't mean that literally. You can buy a casket online from Walmart and opt for overnight … Continue reading Why is Facebook Trying to Sell Me Funeral Potatoes?
Just Where We Belong
I hesitated when I saw the invitation in my email because I am not a fan of scary movies. I tolerate them because they are one of Andrew’s favorite genres. When he watches Alien Death Camp Holiday or Haunted Mental Institution Massacre, I sit beside him on the couch and mutter comments. “Did they … Continue reading Just Where We Belong
The Age of Irresponsibility
I think our snails are up to some hanky panky. The other day they were tangled up in a position that looked like an illustration from the Kama Sutra for invertebrates. My boyfriend, Andrew, and I bought these two freshwater snails to keep company with a beta we had. The fish passed away after … Continue reading The Age of Irresponsibility
The Road Unspoiled
I didn’t plan on leaving the house on Friday the 13th. Not because I’m superstitious, but because I had already removed my bra for the evening. I was lounging on the couch at home, watching television and dressed in a comfortable T-shirt and fuzzy pajama bottoms, when my boyfriend Andrew texted me. “How about a … Continue reading The Road Unspoiled
No One Puts Squirrel Baby in the Corner (or in a box)
Andrew and I are having a little disagreement over our newest companion. Andrew insists this innocent little fellow is the creepiest thing he’s ever seen. That’s a pretty bold statement from someone who has seen every episode of Miami Vice, including the one where they turn Tubbs into a zombie. When I first saw … Continue reading No One Puts Squirrel Baby in the Corner (or in a box)
